Accept the Rose

A Children's Treasury of Moments from ABC's The Bachelorette.
::insert emoji equivalent of making a “oh THIS effing muppet” face::
The Bachelorette, Episode Four

::insert emoji equivalent of making a “oh THIS effing muppet” face::

The Bachelorette, Episode Four

"Drew is going Shakespeare right now, which is serious romanticism."
-Hostage Chris, who doesn’t know what “Romanticism” means. The Romantic Era lasted from about 1800-1850 and Shakespeare died in the early 1600s, blithering muffin brain
The Bachelorette, Episode Four

"Drew is going Shakespeare right now, which is serious romanticism."

-Hostage Chris, who doesn’t know what “Romanticism” means. The Romantic Era lasted from about 1800-1850 and Shakespeare died in the early 1600s, blithering muffin brain

The Bachelorette, Episode Four

Anonymous asked: Love the blog! Keep doin what u do :)

do i have to

Anonymous asked: I'm expecting you to somehow redeem every miserable second I've pissed away watching this wretched season. Hope you're up for it.

well, when you put it like that

Anonymous asked: I hope you can muster the superhuman strength to recap that rest of this dumb season. I'm thirsting for some arch commentary on Michael's struggles (born with both type 1 diabetes and a terrible personality), Zak's goofy face, Chris's Rilkean verse, a stirring performance by Darius Rucker, and the deeply unconvincing way Des has of stringing along slow-witted men she has no interest in. In any event, listen to your heart. Love is real.

well, when you put it like that

Anonymous asked: what do you look like? pist a pic?

guess

"I’m excited to see "Des" right now, she’s kind of a mystical creature, like a unicorn. She shows up every once in a while for ten seconds and then she’s gone. Usually with another guy."
-Hostage Brooks, who is from Salt Lake City where unicorns show up “every once in a while”
The Bachelorette, Episode Four

"I’m excited to see "Des" right now, she’s kind of a mystical creature, like a unicorn. She shows up every once in a while for ten seconds and then she’s gone. Usually with another guy."

-Hostage Brooks, who is from Salt Lake City where unicorns show up “every once in a while”

The Bachelorette, Episode Four

"I want a love that can light up the darkness."
- Bachelorette “Des” who is not asking for that much GOD okay?
The Bachelorette, Episode Four

"I want a love that can light up the darkness."

- Bachelorette “Des” who is not asking for that much GOD okay?

The Bachelorette, Episode Four

The face I made this episode (which is a yawn)
The Bachelorette, Episode Three

The face I made this episode (which is a yawn)

The Bachelorette, Episode Three

I just can’t unscramble that egg.

- Hostage Michael who, thanks to recording equipment capturing this, can’t ever unsay that phrase

The Bachelorette, Episode Three

"It was the first time anyone had thrown a ball back to me. I’m not going to get emotional, I promise."*
- Hostage Brandon, who spent his childhood throwing balls that were never returned, one after the other, out into the night like messages in bottles, crying out for help
The Bachelorette, Episode Three
*Do you? Do you REALLY promise?

"It was the first time anyone had thrown a ball back to me. I’m not going to get emotional, I promise."*

- Hostage Brandon, who spent his childhood throwing balls that were never returned, one after the other, out into the night like messages in bottles, crying out for help

The Bachelorette, Episode Three

*Do you? Do you REALLY promise?

Hostage Ben modeling a very edgy undergarment. The same one Contestant Ryan from Emily’s season had, in fact.

The Bachelorette, Episode Three

Hostage Ben
The Bachelorette, Episode Three

Hostage Ben

The Bachelorette, Episode Three

"I really see the rose as a symbol of ‘more time’, so I give the rose to someone I want to spend more time with."
- Bachelorette “Des”, expertly navigating the explanation as to why she gave Hostage James a rose
The Bachelorette, Episode Three

"I really see the rose as a symbol of ‘more time’, so I give the rose to someone I want to spend more time with."

- Bachelorette “Des”, expertly navigating the explanation as to why she gave Hostage James a rose

The Bachelorette, Episode Three

"This, to me, really feels like a movie date."

-Bachelorette “Des”, on the date where she watches a movie with Hostage Juan Pablo

The Bachelorette, Episode Three